you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
