I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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