I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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