Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
