i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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