I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
