Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
