Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
