so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
