I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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