jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I just threw up on my dentist
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Randomize
