Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
