so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
