I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
