She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
