he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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