sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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