So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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