I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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