Where are you?
In a non slutty way
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
