Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize