It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
