I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize