Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
