I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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