and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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