Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
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