There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
