Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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