I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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