Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
