I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
