The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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