you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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