just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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