i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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