I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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