mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
