At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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