I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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