Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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