the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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