no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
