i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
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