I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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