I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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