just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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