you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
