sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
