Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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