She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize