I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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