apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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