In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
